Nem te conto

By
Vassil Oliveira
-
397
1406

Tem hora que o mundo parece de repente deixar de ser redondo e ficar zonzo. E em vez seguir em frente, nem que seja para voltar ao ponto de partida – quem sabe para um recomeço –, parece que a única alternativa que nos resta é o abismo. Em vez de horizonte, o fim. O que resta. O que há.

Nessas horas, tudo na gente ganha dimensão exuberante. Se estamos tristes, ficamos mais tristes ainda. Se a respiração está lenta, entramos em coma. Se estamos apaixonados, a vida se resume à paixão. Nessas horas, ficar acordado deixa de ser uma questão de xícara de café para se transformar em desafio avassalador.

Sempre viajo para minha infância nessas horas. Ou então crio histórias que nunca vou escrever, mas que se transformam em organismos vivos em minha imaginação, que por sua vez abastece meu dia e minha noite. Não há realidade, por mais difícil ou irreal diante dos olhos açoitados pela miopia crescente, que resista à criatividade.

O pesadelo também é um sonho. Vivo do que lembro, de como lembro, do efeito dessas lembranças em meu coração, e da realidade que invento. São mundos sem fim. Um sonho maior que os outros, que dá voltar, tem desvios, incompreensões, decepções, e tanta dores que nem damos conta de contar em detalhes.

Minha Vó Izídia viveu dias felizes mas também dias muito tristes, nos seus quase 80 anos passados aqui. Eu sentava com ela na sala e via a mesma novela na TV. Só que a mesma novela não era a mesma novela. Ela sempre via outra, que me detalhava nos intervalos. Eram tantos detalhes que eu sempre ficava impressionado com a falta de imaginação do autor da outra, diante dos fatos desfiados por ela.

Não havia mundo chato pra Vó Izídia. Quando passamos, eu e ela, um mês catando café, ela levantava cedo, fazia café, catava umas comidas e a gente ia como se fosse descobrir o novo mundo. Ela trabalhava muito, com uma dedicação inspiradora. Eu acompanhava como podia. Era muito pequeno. Queria mesmo era ficar perto dela.

Vó Izídia é uma mulher superlativa. Quando estou para saltar, recordo um momento com ela e o chão aparece. Não há abismo que resista às histórias dela, principalmente com ela. Acho que essa minha propensão a viver de ficção tem muito a ver com sua vida. Ela não era deste mundo. Era de todos que eu podia imaginar. Ainda é.

Mesmo quando sinto que estou apaixonado demais por uma ideia, um sonho, uma realidade inalcançável, tudo fica menor que o que sinto pela Vó Izídia com um simples piscar de olhos. Eu fico super. A vida é o que fazemos dela, dizia essa mulher que não existe mais. Melhor dizendo: existe, sim, muito além do fim do mundo.

Minha vó é a história que me escreve. Minha razão de viver. Nem te conto.

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